Walking around his old home, and being able to picture the life that he used to live in it, is akin to an out of body experience, and he feels like he has died already, since his old life is never coming back. He is also dealing with the constant fear of being 'outed' and the shame that would bring on his family. He was injured in action and so is dealing with the feelings of worthlessness in not being able to go back and join his men he is uncomfortable with the feeling that other soldiers, particularly Prior, who is working hard to be passed fit enough to go back, might view him as some kind of shirker, and he is not entirely sure in his own mind that they are not right. Before the war, he had not explored his sexual appetites or predilections, because he was living with his wife and children all the time, and his identity as a family man, husband and hands-on father was one that made him happy, and one in which he knew himself, and where he was, in his life. Manning so scarcely recognizes himself now that it is as if his former life, pre-war, was lived in color, and his current life, after fighting and years of fear of being discovered as a homosexual, is lived in black and white, or a nothing shade of grey. Narrator, Chapter One, Describing Captain Charles Manning

His damaged house leaked memories of Jane and the children, and of himself too, as he had been before the war, memories so vivid in comparison with his present depleted self that he found himself moving between pieces of shrouded furniture, like his own ghost. We are thankful for their contributions and encourage you to make your own.

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Pat barker the eye in the door